Im not really sure exactly where I should be starting with this........ But here it goes.................
So I wear this mask every single day. I have acutally been wearing it since I could ever remember. Like around the time I was in either 5 or 6th grade.-- (When I could comprehend what was really really going on in my home)
It is my "I am happy all the time, nothing ever really bothers me" Mask.
I wear it because it hides, my pain, anger, and sadness.
At this moment, Im going to really be working on removing it. For good.
Giving it up.
My reasoning of wearing it for so long is........
Every single time I would really really try to take it off and finally be "me" Someone oh and just not one person... would ask me "OH Ashley?!?! are you ok!??! oh my! whats wrong?? Are you ok? Are you really sure?!?!?!"
And I would want to fucking punch them in the face. Ok, for once I am not so freaking happy I feel like getting sick because its discusting how I truly feel inside to be acting like this happy. So I would just be like, screw it. Yeah, I am happy dammit.
And its right back on without even questioning a thing.
I do not want to live like this anymore.
I want to be free. I want to feel free. I dont want to feel like this anymore.
Oh get this...... So about 4 months after I got sober, I got pregnant. Well when you are in recovery you start to feel. You start to feel EVERYTHING. Every emotion you have stuffed. Its really up to you how you deal with it. I'd say its about 90% of the time its why people relapse. Which is sad. Well when I started 'feeling' again, I used oh, Im just pregnant so Im supossed to feel like this. And since, Ive never really dealt with it. I mean I have in many ways on many different levels. But honestly. Not the way I really needed to and need to now.
So Im going to be taking this Mask off and throwing it away.
I read a blog on myspace by "women in recovery" and it was titled MASKS and it really opened my eyes.
So Im going to start off with this massive heap of work ahead of me and start it tonight when I go to a meeting.
Im going to say this.
"Hi, Im Ashley, I'm an alcoholic. I smile because it hides my pain, anger and sadness."
I know Im going to laugh. Im going to say it everytime until it breaks me down.
I know it can be done.
One day, hopefully soon.
Well Im done with my final for school, Im just waiting on the rest of the test from the school so I can get out of here and get to a meeting.
Thank you for reading this. :]
How freaking sweet am I?
Celebrating at the wonderful Northwest Alano club at 11pm!
I dont think I could be any more grateful for everything I have today.
not even imagining what i was really doing on this day 2 years ago.
I was such a trainwreck.
thank god I have AMAZING friends that have helped me get through these 2 years that were honestly unbearable.
So many things happened good and bad.
Since this is my last 2008 post i have to say this.
I am truely happy right now.
I have everything I could want.
Thank you God for everything.
if it wasnt for you, Id be lost.
Please let me love and care and do your will this next year.
Im going to start new and fresh in the morning.
i am so happy this year is over.
yay for 29 days til Alainahs 1st birthday.
18 days til I have 2 years sober.
18 more days and it will be 2 years since I have fully accepted my God into my life.
how amazing is that.
everything between jeff and i is good, I do feel like im really opening up all of me to him. I do know i am already very open and honest always but i hold somethings in like what im really thinking but ive been really saying things i would normally hold back. just like thoughts and feelings. i dont ever do that with people unless im on the phone talking to someone that is in recovery and im having a meltdown lol. but things are good.
oh. this show paris my bff from the first episode i wanted brittany to win and she did! yay!
baby is doing wonderful, she is talking nonstop being all crazy like usual. she is so amazing!
anyways. its like 3am so i am going to sleep.
so i really hope i have enough time at school tomorrow to write again!
A7X is tomorrow. HORRAY!
thats about it.
I might update at school later tonight.
I am just really happy. Its my last week of the first section of school. like so easy. ;] Im just sitting here listening to my phone. I have like done nothing today in class so far. I just really dont want to. I am doing really good and I just really dont want to make up these presentations, if I could pick what it is about or something sure, but what we have to do it on.... no thanks. I just really want to leave break is in a few mins and I just have to take a quiz and I just really want to take it email my work in and get out of here. my other class I dont have to take the final because Ive never left or missed class. The final is like going to be really hard too. lucky me Im not taking it. I love my other class it like pretty much a self help class with making yourself better and finding out a lot about your self. thats like just what i need lol.
also.. Im going to be seeing someone for an hour a week or so just to get some help organizing my brain, thank god i know the perfect guy to help me with it. Ive known him for a while and I know he is perfect to help me. Yes I am so happy and I have everything I need. Thats why I think organizing my brain would be a great idea right now. While I am able to handle it and deal with the things that I have lost due to over stuffing. :D sounds like its going to be so much fun!
So im leaving class early. I have decided that.
I have a horrible headache, when I was dropping off Ali at my parents house my mom hit me upside my head thinking she was being funny.... It so made my headache worse :[ I dont like when she messes with me when Im in a bad mood or just really not wanting to hear her talk. We can all say that about someone lol.
18 days til A7X with jeff! AH I am so freaking excited! I cant wait ah!
I love hearing that commerical on 89X about how they are sorry for traffic, and loud noise lol
anyways. im going to wait for break and then do a little bit more work and get out of here.
It was really horrible on her because when we got to where we were meeting at, she was suppost to be going to sleep right then.
but I kept her up for a while. She woke me up screaming with night terrors TWICE. and then all day today she wouldnt take a nap, she was just crying all day and NOTHING i could do could even make her smile until before I was leaving for school.
I got so angry because she has never ever acted like this before and it just is freaking me out because how is that she sees him and then acts like that?
I do think babies are much smarter than what anyone gives them credit for. I dont know but I really didnt like it.
He is totally expecting me to put him on the BC and do it all myself and here is his reasoning...-she will be taken care of with child support, be on my insurance, if anything to happen she would get everything he has- Ok, I do understand that. BUT I have her on Michigan-Mychild insurance and they cover EVERYTHING. I can support her on my own, I mean have been doing that for 9 months now.. I dont need his dirty money anyways.
I dont know. Maybe Im just being resentful. I just do not trust him. Him driving all the way from Pittsburgh to see her for like an hour and a half WAY past her bed time. That didnt make to much sense to me. (oh and he spent twice as much time with his brothers and sisters and mother, OH and he brought them presents!) Oh and the night before hanging up on me when we were talking about what was going on and I called him at least 3 times and claimed when he tries to call my cellphone it doesnt work so he called my parents house at 11am and tells them he is on his way. BUT calls me 9times total yesterday? sigh. I do admit when he met her he spent like 150$ on diapers and formula. but NOTHING else since.
It just really bothers me that he is trying pushing this all on me. He was talking to me like I was one of his soldiers or something. Like this is a big deal but not big enough for me to do all on my own. Im doing EVERYTHING for her and I have been since day one. Why is it that he expects me to co-sign his bullshit and do the work for him? I am not his mother or his jailbait girlfriend he has. I am taking care of my responsibilitys and that is all Im going to do. Yes I dont need to deal with the courts and all the crap that comes with it. BUT If I have to for him to learn some responsibility then so be it. Im not doing shit for him. I will let him see his daughter ANY TIME he wants, but Im not going to leave her side. Or them alone ever until a judge approves he is emotionally, and mentally aware and sane to have that happen.
I want to trust him, I want to hand her to him for the weekend and not worry myself to death.
But I do have to accept that what I WANT isnt always going to happen. I am just going to wait and pray and pray about this.
I refuse to take responsibility for him. Its not my job. I already have to do everything for her, give up everything in my life and whatever my needs are they always come last.
Everything else is going really good. Jeff and I have been spending quite a bit of time together but I love it. It is interferring with our sleep/work/school because we dont go to sleep til like 3am watching movies and tv. lol Ali loves him so much I LOVE seeing her laughing and smiling with her. It makes me so happy. I dont know. School is going really well. Pretty darn easy if you ask me lol.
These first 6 weeks are almost over! its week 5 this week. Im not sure what my next classes are going to be. Im pretty excited :]
I dont know I am trying to figure out what im going to do next. I need to work, but there is alot that comes with being a single mom and working. plus im going to school. I dont want to just have my parents watch her so much, they do need time to themselves lol. I dont know im in a pretty good mood now that I am here at school. Im planning on going to a meeting after school BUT there is a new hannah that should be at jeffs waiting for me to watch soooo....... Im not sure what im going to do. lol. I just know that I am so in love with him. I would do anything for him that is for sure. There isnt one thing that I dont like about him.
Well break is near! so Im going to sit and watch the clock lol
So as of yesterday I am 21 months sober! How great is that? I cant believe it actually.
Jeff and I are doing great :] I had a wonderful sweetest day! We went to a wedding of one of his neighborhood friends from when he was a kid, and then we went to the ARM chili dinner.
We got there a little late, and we still got to hear the open talk. Ali was with me of course but around 9 I called my sissy to come and pick her up (shes been using my car, hers is broken at the moment) to get her to sleep. She has her first cold :O so she has been very crabby the past 2 days. Today was much worse, all she wanted today was for me to hold her and walk around. I tried a million times to sit down or sit in the rocker and she just would start to cry. gr. she totally has me whipped. I do everything I can do so she doesnt cry at all. My mom is always on my ass about that. I cant stand hearing her cry for any amount of seconds :[ so tonight, a meeting at 11 with my sissy!
Im not really sure why she wants to come to meetings with me but im ok with it. I dont really think she is an alcoholic, but all you need is a desire to NOT drink anymore.
I am so in love.
I didnt ever think there could ever be a boy who loves me for who i really am.
everything about me.
and for me to unconditionally love, trust and understand someone is something I didnt ever think I could really do honestly and whole-heartedly.
Still when I havent seen him for a day or two for even a few hours I get butterflies like crazy when I see him.
thankyou adam for playing cupid LOL
Ive been thinking about getting my vertial lebret pierced again.
I really miss it so so much.
Im going to take a shower and get to a meeting!
So Im at school right now, all done with my work and nothing to do at the moment..
I just thought Id update a bit.
So Ive been going through some things that Im not going to talk about here, but they are getting me a bit confused about some parts in my life.
oh and believe it or not, I do go to school now and Im in this 1 year program to basically become a secretary. I do want a nice cozy desk job maybe even someones asst. hahaha being the sickened co-dependent i am lol. sure I will do your laundry! ahhaha
I am doing so well.
Ive become secretary in my home group for meetings now! I do still chair on fridays which has been going down the drain thanks to the fall and everyones bright ideas to have bonfire meetings. There is also the tri-county convention this weekend which Iam so going to I just have to find a sitter for a few hours Saturday and possibly Sunday. If im paying 20$ I am going at least 2 days lol.
Everything really seems to be falling into place. Jeff and I are doing wonderful :] Ali just turned 8months gosh, talk about time flying by. It seemed just like a few days ago I was still in the hospital having her lol.
I am just really happy and starting school monday is like amazing hahahah its so easy well for the moment.
Ive been really thinking about trying to talk to some old friends but they like all use and drink so like i really dont know if its a good idea lol.
I just really miss the boys I use to hang out with like tons.
especially terry. I dont even know if hes still in jail or what? lol I just hope he is ok.
Ive been really busy with everything lately I havent had time to just sit on the computer and update or anything, just check my crap on myspace lol.
Iam not going to the 1130 tonight after school, i am going to go and watch forgetting sarah marshal with jeff and ashley.
well, I talked my teacher into giving us all of next weeks assignments so im going to get an early start I still have an hour an a half so