January 20th, 2008


alright, so as I guess some of you may know, I am pregnant. LOL.  I was completely shocked myself since I didnt think I was able to even be pregnant.  So.. God decided that since I wasnt making the right choices he would show me, that was suspected, but not in any means like this. haha.
Alainah Jade should be here any day now :D I have everything ready I am just waiting for her to decide when she wants to come out.  Well I do know that its very very doubtful that I will ever be pregnant again, if you spent one day with me, you'd understand.  ;] I really dont like it and after I give birth, Iam going to post a very gory detailed story about what exactly happen at the hospital.  I know its not going to be any fun :[  But I can honestly say its all I am waiting for because I know that second she finally pops out my whole entire life will be completely different and I am ready for it.  I have had to make some pretty hard decisons and deal with a lot of emotional difficulties though this pregnancy that I dont wish upon anyone.  I cant be greatful enough to know that this pregnancy has had no complications nothing.  Everything has been perfect.  That scares me about labor. haha.  I cant be greatful enough to know I have everything I need in life right at this moment.  I also dont need any guy to define me which was really hard to accept. :/  All I need is God walking next to me, and him making sure Im Okay.  NOT anyone else.  He is the only one who will love me and accept me for who I am.  Ive figured out, I dont know a damn thing about relationships with other humans.  I cant really explain in detail but, I know that its not okay to make yourself suffer for the happiness of another.  You have to be on your own team before anyone elses.  

What I am having trouble with at the moment is accepting somethings.... I have accepted them, but they get to me sometimes and it just bugs me so badly.  I hate to see the people who I love most do the things that they know arent right but do them anyways.  I have talked to them about it and they just say one thing and do another.  Or even they will say somethings and have them not be true.  Or even say somethings and not mean them.  Or not even say anything at all.
Its easier for me to focus on other people at the moment because I am okay with everything on my side of the street, its hard to not walk across and try to pick up the garbage on the other side.  but hey, that is life.  I am doing fine, emotionally I am not a mess, well... yeah, I am about to have a baby LOL but everything else, how I am with God, how I am spritually.  I am as close as I can be for today.  I know whats right and whats wrong, if I cant make a decision I will ask for help.  sigh.
I really hope that by you being so caught up in you and your messes, you make the right decisions and I am going to do everything I can to make sure they dont affect us.  
there are so many things Ive been holding back, I dont want to say them because I dont want anything to upset you.  But its how I feel and its not for me, its for her.

I dont know. I am tired and Im done rambling, Im sure probably nothing makes any sense but gosh, I really dislike horrible people.