September 4th, 2008


so like last week was pretty good I guess.  It was my sissy's birthday!  and a piggy roast at my cousins.  anddddddd  my very first opentalk.  wow.  I was so nervous I almost walked off the stage but I didnt.  for those of you that dont know what an opentalk is; well.  its when someone with some soberity time usually over a year or so, shares there experience, strength and hopes.  its like a 'what happen, what it was like, and where am i today'.  and you talk all by yourself in front of all the people who go to that meeting.
I did have some people come and support me :]  like chef nick, jamie, and bethany. :D  and of course my amazing boyfriend who I was kinda mad at because he signed me up to do it and I told him I didnt want to or anything but he did.  He is acutally giving one on saturday at the same place.  well maybe Im not sure.  but Saturday is going to be fun!  Jason and Jeff are making my sissy and I breakfast and then we are like going out downtown for a bit to possibly check out the boardwalk?  if not then we are going to play some diskgolf!  Gosh I havent played since like 3 summers ago with my exhusband. :[  we always had fun playing and drinking lol.  Im guessing now since I brought him up I do think about him all the time at least everyday maybe more than once.  I dont know Ive made my amends but it just doesnt feel enough.  I want to do it in person.  I think it might make me feel better about it who knows.
thanks to my crazy friends making me stay out all night at the crapple. hahahaha  we always have fun.
adam and I were talking quite a bit about when we use to work at lonestar like when I was a junior in highschool hahaha and how everytime he ever saw me I was so so drunk he said because he had to avoid me because a 16 year old who is drinking like that needs help.  what I dont get is why didnt anyone tell me that? hahaha  who knows they probably did I just didnt listen.  who cares. I am sober now and that is all that matters. 
Gosh I really didnt think the feelings and the love you have for someone can just be so strong.  My daughter is everything to me and I really didnt think when you just look at someone and they smile the way they do and hug you that your world stops for just a moment and nothing else matters.  I love her a lot more than I thought I would. lol.  well there are 3245641321651321654987987951321654 things I didnt and still dont know and just about that many more things I need to learn. 
If you have both of your parents you are the most luckiest person ever.  To raise a baby being both mommy and daddy is the hardest thing ever.  I dont want her to hate her father or even think anyone else is her father.  I want her to know her father and him to be there for her, AND NOT ONLY WHEN HE THINKS ITS OK OR WHEN SHE NEEDS HIM.   Being a parent is a 24/7 deal.  No breaks and definently no handouts either.  Most of my friends are single moms and I hate that.  What happened to the once the girl gets pregnant they get married and at least try to make it work no matter what?  Once upon a time I felt that way, until I met THE REAL father of my daughter.  It took a while to really see him for who he is and I am so glad I did when I did.  It took LOTS of help for me to even feel worthy of a conversation with another human.  And to even receive compliments is still really really hard.  I let him control me in many ways, I am glad I did because I can see now what is TOTALLY wrong and what is right.  anyways, ali is really tired and wants a nap she wont stop rubbing them little eyes.
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