February 11th, 2009

(no subject)

Im not really sure exactly where I should be starting with this........ But here it goes.................

So I wear this mask every single day. I have acutally been wearing it since I could ever remember.  Like around the time I was in either 5 or 6th grade.-- (When I could comprehend what was really really going on in my home)

It is my "I am happy all the time, nothing ever really bothers me" Mask.

I wear it because it hides, my pain, anger, and sadness.

At this moment, Im going to really be working on removing it. For good.
Giving it up.

My reasoning of wearing it for so long is........
Every single time I would really really try to take it off and finally be "me" Someone oh and just not one person... would ask me "OH Ashley?!?! are you ok!??! oh my! whats wrong?? Are you ok? Are you really sure?!?!?!"
And I would want to fucking punch them in the face.  Ok, for once I am not so freaking happy I feel like getting sick because its discusting how I truly feel inside to be acting like this happy.  So I would just be like, screw it.  Yeah, I am happy dammit.
And its right back on without even questioning a thing.

I do not want to live like this anymore.
I want to be free.  I want to feel free.  I dont want to feel like this anymore.

Oh get this...... So about 4 months after I got sober, I got pregnant.  Well when you are in recovery you start to feel. You start to feel EVERYTHING. Every emotion you have stuffed.  Its really up to you how you deal with it.  I'd say its about 90% of the time its why people relapse. Which is sad. Well when I started 'feeling' again, I used oh, Im just pregnant so Im supossed to feel like this.  And since, Ive never really dealt with it.  I mean I have in many ways on many different levels. But honestly. Not the way I really needed to and need to now.

So Im going to be taking this Mask off and throwing it away. 
I read a blog on myspace by "women in recovery" and it was titled MASKS and it really opened my eyes.

So Im going to start off with this massive heap of work ahead of me and start it tonight when I go to a meeting.
Im going to say this.
"Hi, Im Ashley, I'm an alcoholic. I smile because it hides my pain, anger and sadness."
I know Im going to laugh. Im going to say it everytime until it breaks me down.
I know it can be done.
One day, hopefully soon.
Well Im done with my final for school, Im just waiting on the rest of the test from the school so I can get out of here and get to a meeting.

Thank you for reading this. :]