ashleyy (ashley_disaster) wrote,


to anyone who Ive been close to in these past few years.......  I feel I need to get some of these feelings out.

My first love;
David B.
I am so sorry to you.  You only did everything for me and I was just really scared and I didnt know how to act around you.  I liked you so much I had no idea what to say or how to say anything or how to act or anything.  I was so mean for no reason and never told you why or that I was sorry.  I am.

My first real heartbreak;  that I totally fucked up.
Justin H.
My exhusband.
gosh. when I think about you all that comes to mind is what the fuck did I do?  Why?  I wanted to marry you and have children with you and grow up and be on our own and to be happy.  I saw that with you.  You were everything to me.  You dissapointed me by not being there for me the one and only moment I truly needed you.  I held that over everything.  I tried to pretend and just forget about it but I couldnt I was to hurt.  So I made up my mind and let you go.  Then I didnt like that decision and made some more mistakes and the one and only moment that I will regret for the rest of my life is when you came back.  We sat in my car and cried our eyes out and you begged me to be with you.  I think about that now and I was poisoned by the worlds biggest jerk.  [we will get to him later]  Its how they say if you love something let it go and if its really meant to be it will come back.  oh yeah it came back but me being so stupid and blind to what really mattered and what I should have been doing is being a good wife and taking care of you.  I left to jersey knowing I wasnt getting on another plane to even leave the US I couldnt leave you then you came to see me when I was in the hospital and wow did I F that up.  You will always be my one and only regret.  I am truly sorry to you.  I wish I could take it all back and be the good wife you deserved.  I do wish to make these amends to you in person one day.  The phone just isnt enough for me.  You were just to much everything to me.  I am sorry.

My BESTEST friend;
Crystal P.
wow what an amazing girl.  You were there for me every minute in high school and was always at my side whenever I needed you.  I dont like how we have gone our seprate ways we still talk every now and then but its not enough.  You have the most amazing little girl.  She was the cutest ever until I had Ali so now she is the cutest in my eyes ;] but you have such a precious little gift, take good care of her she needs you more than anything this next decade. thank you so much for always being there for me always<3

My daughters Father;
David G.
hm.  what can I say?  I didnt see who you really are at first... I should have had that red flag pop up when I was driving across the state to take you to get drugs....  Well I did it so you would like me.  You showed me a new way of life and an answer to the question I couldnt ever answer by myself.  I left you because you hurt me to where I didnt want to function.  When we found out I was pregnant I was so excited it was with you.  I created this fantasy to when she got here everything would be happily ever after.  We would be ok and she would be taken care of.  When I realized I was pretty much going to do this on my own since you were so caught up with your moms 4 kids and worrying about them instead of our daughter just more than 5 times it started getting to me.  When I was getting help for us doing everything I could do to make sure we were gonna be ready when she got here.  I was so wrong.  If I didnt meet some of the most wonderful people who told me to leave you, you know I wouldnt evet have left.  You had me, well you thought you did.  You didnt think I was smart enough to realize what was going on.... well I wasnt at first then I met the REAL you.  The one who lives on anger and fear.  The one who cannot get honest when your life is depending on it.  Who is scared of the real world and most important RESPONSIBILITY.  What hurt me most is you had everything and pushed us away.  The lies is what I couldnt live with.  Thank you for showing me who you really are before it was to late for her.  You say you dont trust me because I left you.  Why dont you take a look at your actions and see what you did wrong.  I HATE how you cant get me out of your head long enough to see that your daughter is growing up and your missing all of it.  If you showed up on my doorstep SOBER and willing to do anything for her I would hand her over in a heart beat.  You need to get your shit together and realize there is a child who needs to look up to you and you to be there for her always.  Not just when its 'ok' for you.  The letters you write to me are sickening.  You dont even ask about your daughter, all you say is 'I dont trust you, I hate you' well thanks. for nothing. jerk.

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