to anyone who Ive been close to in these past few years.......  I feel I need to get some of these feelings out.

My first love;
David B.
I am so sorry to you.  You only did everything for me and I was just really scared and I didnt know how to act around you.  I liked you so much I had no idea what to say or how to say anything or how to act or anything.  I was so mean for no reason and never told you why or that I was sorry.  I am.

My first real heartbreak;  that I totally fucked up.
Justin H.
My exhusband.
gosh. when I think about you all that comes to mind is what the fuck did I do?  Why?  I wanted to marry you and have children with you and grow up and be on our own and to be happy.  I saw that with you.  You were everything to me.  You dissapointed me by not being there for me the one and only moment I truly needed you.  I held that over everything.  I tried to pretend and just forget about it but I couldnt I was to hurt.  So I made up my mind and let you go.  Then I didnt like that decision and made some more mistakes and the one and only moment that I will regret for the rest of my life is when you came back.  We sat in my car and cried our eyes out and you begged me to be with you.  I think about that now and I was poisoned by the worlds biggest jerk.  [we will get to him later]  Its how they say if you love something let it go and if its really meant to be it will come back.  oh yeah it came back but me being so stupid and blind to what really mattered and what I should have been doing is being a good wife and taking care of you.  I left to jersey knowing I wasnt getting on another plane to even leave the US I couldnt leave you then you came to see me when I was in the hospital and wow did I F that up.  You will always be my one and only regret.  I am truly sorry to you.  I wish I could take it all back and be the good wife you deserved.  I do wish to make these amends to you in person one day.  The phone just isnt enough for me.  You were just to much everything to me.  I am sorry.

My BESTEST friend;
Crystal P.
wow what an amazing girl.  You were there for me every minute in high school and was always at my side whenever I needed you.  I dont like how we have gone our seprate ways we still talk every now and then but its not enough.  You have the most amazing little girl.  She was the cutest ever until I had Ali so now she is the cutest in my eyes ;] but you have such a precious little gift, take good care of her she needs you more than anything this next decade. thank you so much for always being there for me always<3

My daughters Father;
David G.
hm.  what can I say?  I didnt see who you really are at first... I should have had that red flag pop up when I was driving across the state to take you to get drugs....  Well I did it so you would like me.  You showed me a new way of life and an answer to the question I couldnt ever answer by myself.  I left you because you hurt me to where I didnt want to function.  When we found out I was pregnant I was so excited it was with you.  I created this fantasy to when she got here everything would be happily ever after.  We would be ok and she would be taken care of.  When I realized I was pretty much going to do this on my own since you were so caught up with your moms 4 kids and worrying about them instead of our daughter just more than 5 times it started getting to me.  When I was getting help for us doing everything I could do to make sure we were gonna be ready when she got here.  I was so wrong.  If I didnt meet some of the most wonderful people who told me to leave you, you know I wouldnt evet have left.  You had me, well you thought you did.  You didnt think I was smart enough to realize what was going on.... well I wasnt at first then I met the REAL you.  The one who lives on anger and fear.  The one who cannot get honest when your life is depending on it.  Who is scared of the real world and most important RESPONSIBILITY.  What hurt me most is you had everything and pushed us away.  The lies is what I couldnt live with.  Thank you for showing me who you really are before it was to late for her.  You say you dont trust me because I left you.  Why dont you take a look at your actions and see what you did wrong.  I HATE how you cant get me out of your head long enough to see that your daughter is growing up and your missing all of it.  If you showed up on my doorstep SOBER and willing to do anything for her I would hand her over in a heart beat.  You need to get your shit together and realize there is a child who needs to look up to you and you to be there for her always.  Not just when its 'ok' for you.  The letters you write to me are sickening.  You dont even ask about your daughter, all you say is 'I dont trust you, I hate you' well thanks. for nothing. jerk.

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so like last week was pretty good I guess.  It was my sissy's birthday!  and a piggy roast at my cousins.  anddddddd  my very first opentalk.  wow.  I was so nervous I almost walked off the stage but I didnt.  for those of you that dont know what an opentalk is; well.  its when someone with some soberity time usually over a year or so, shares there experience, strength and hopes.  its like a 'what happen, what it was like, and where am i today'.  and you talk all by yourself in front of all the people who go to that meeting.
I did have some people come and support me :]  like chef nick, jamie, and bethany. :D  and of course my amazing boyfriend who I was kinda mad at because he signed me up to do it and I told him I didnt want to or anything but he did.  He is acutally giving one on saturday at the same place.  well maybe Im not sure.  but Saturday is going to be fun!  Jason and Jeff are making my sissy and I breakfast and then we are like going out downtown for a bit to possibly check out the boardwalk?  if not then we are going to play some diskgolf!  Gosh I havent played since like 3 summers ago with my exhusband. :[  we always had fun playing and drinking lol.  Im guessing now since I brought him up I do think about him all the time at least everyday maybe more than once.  I dont know Ive made my amends but it just doesnt feel enough.  I want to do it in person.  I think it might make me feel better about it who knows.
thanks to my crazy friends making me stay out all night at the crapple. hahahaha  we always have fun.
adam and I were talking quite a bit about when we use to work at lonestar like when I was a junior in highschool hahaha and how everytime he ever saw me I was so so drunk he said because he had to avoid me because a 16 year old who is drinking like that needs help.  what I dont get is why didnt anyone tell me that? hahaha  who knows they probably did I just didnt listen.  who cares. I am sober now and that is all that matters. 
Gosh I really didnt think the feelings and the love you have for someone can just be so strong.  My daughter is everything to me and I really didnt think when you just look at someone and they smile the way they do and hug you that your world stops for just a moment and nothing else matters.  I love her a lot more than I thought I would. lol.  well there are 3245641321651321654987987951321654 things I didnt and still dont know and just about that many more things I need to learn. 
If you have both of your parents you are the most luckiest person ever.  To raise a baby being both mommy and daddy is the hardest thing ever.  I dont want her to hate her father or even think anyone else is her father.  I want her to know her father and him to be there for her, AND NOT ONLY WHEN HE THINKS ITS OK OR WHEN SHE NEEDS HIM.   Being a parent is a 24/7 deal.  No breaks and definently no handouts either.  Most of my friends are single moms and I hate that.  What happened to the once the girl gets pregnant they get married and at least try to make it work no matter what?  Once upon a time I felt that way, until I met THE REAL father of my daughter.  It took a while to really see him for who he is and I am so glad I did when I did.  It took LOTS of help for me to even feel worthy of a conversation with another human.  And to even receive compliments is still really really hard.  I let him control me in many ways, I am glad I did because I can see now what is TOTALLY wrong and what is right.  anyways, ali is really tired and wants a nap she wont stop rubbing them little eyes.
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    content content


So like dont you just love when fucking idiots prove to you they can be even a bigger fucking idiot?
Well yeah I dont.
It just makes me sick.
I just really dont understand people who have 'mental problems'. 
And I dont get how someone thinks they can be playing these games and so be bluffing.
Iam just so glad Ive learned how to watch everyone else play and when its my time to play, I will know exactly what to do.

You know, if you have a child with someone and your not taking responsiblity for that child whether the mother or father, if that child is not glued to you and you have to be with it the whole entire day and beg and pay people for 2 hours of freedom by yourself then you have some fucking problems.
i did not want to get pregnant and have a baby no.  but i did and it has changed me so much and i have grown up so much and learned the true meaning of RESPONSIBILITY I love that little girl more than anything in this entire world. 
I do know if I do not continue to stay sober and do what I suppost to do then I will not be a good mother.  I owe that to her to do that.  She wasnt asked to be born into this cruel world with a jackass for a father.  I just know that she will always have me and only me.  It just really fucking pisses me off that some of these bitches i went to highschool with dont take care of there babies themselves.  I do know that a few do but the ones that dont just give them up for adoption, you know you cant take care of it properly.  its time you let someone who will really love it and give it there all to raise them in a happy home.
god I fucking hate stupid fucking people dammit.
most of all people who know they have a drug/alcohol problem and choose to do nothing about it while its ripping someone elses life apart watching them do it. motherfuckers
I am fucking pissed thanks.
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    reba is on.


so its like 3am, i have to get up at 7 and start driving to KY with jeff and my moms best friends daughter, we are driving her to school in ky.  we brought her home for the summer and i LOVE driving long distances i just love it so i am way excited about it....well expect the part where its 3am and im not going to sleep but a mear 4 hours or something. we are just driving there unloading her crap and driving right back.  

jeff and i spend a lot of time together all at once and then a few days apart and then repeated...  i love that.  before it was together all the time all the time, i wasnt getting sick or him or anything like that [in any other relationship i would have found something i didnt like and got out of there quick, fast, and in a hurry.]  I just wasnt getting enough ashleyy time.  and i get that now, it makes me so grateful to know i have this man in my life to whom is everything to me and i am everything to him including my daughter.  i couldnt ask for anything like this.  he was handed to me by god and how everything is like perfect who freaking knows.  it almost makes me sick to know i am in a healthy relationship and we are happy and we are growing together.  who knows kittys this could be it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH only one day at a time. really.

today Ali and i walked 7 miles.  my legs feel like they are going to fall off.  I havent ate anything but a half of sandwitch and like 5 glasses of iced tea and a cup of coffee.  what am i thinking?

well i obviously am not.  Yesterday was jeffs birthday, we went out to pontiac lake and he skiied and we swam and had a picnic it was so cute.  we took some pictures, one day i will finally get my hands on them or something?  just things are going really well right now and i am so scared im going to do something to screw them up.  ive felt this way for quite a while now and i seem to be doing great but its just that fear of the past that i just need to let go.  sometimes is SOOO easy and sometimes i have to twist my arm to just accept things, people, places, sitiutions the way they are and just make sure i am doing what i need to do.  because that is what HE wants me to do.
well its wayyy late and if i dont sleep i will hate myself tomorrow.
i love you jesus.

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So like today; the boyfriend convinced me to sign up for MY FIRST open talk.
I am not giving details, I like hope no one shows up.  I am terrified already, Im not to good at talking in front of people, especially the worst moments of my life...
I dont know, I know I will do with without a problem, I am just nervous.

So Jeffs birthday is this week, we are going out on the boat to orchard lake? or pontiac lake.  We arent sure yet.
So I want to plan this suprise, but i am THE WORST at stuff like that.  It always messes up.  Or I give it away. :[
So I dont know.
I am liking the olympics.  the womens gymanstics have been over and that is really the only thing I like to watch.
last night Liz and I were watching the mens power walking.  how horrible is that?  they were like so jogging, and should have been disqualified.  cheaters.

So Today was a pretty good day.  I wish I would have acutally slept last night.  I have been soo tired all day and im dumb butt going to sleep at 2am. gosh.

good night<3

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    calm calm


So like yesterday wasnt completely horrible, I only really made a fool of myself last night reading and like a lot of people came up to me asking me if I was ok and what was wrong....  Its nice to know that there are people who care about me and notice when Im upset or angry... My Stephies boyfriend is nice.  I love how we double date. lol  

So I just got back from my Anns house.  Ali and I had fun :] she made me eat so much :[  she always does that to me lol.

Jeff is giving a lead tonight so Im going to support him.  He has been working his butt off these past few weeks.  In my mind Im like totally being selfish;  I dont ever say anything to him but I miss staying up really really late and just talking and giggling for hours and sleeping in well he would be, I would always be awake with Ali.  He is way to good to me.  How did I get so damn lucky?

Tonight after the meeting Im doing some step work with Stephie :]  I am excited and Im sure she cant wait at all.  Well Im going to go and  spend the rest of the afternoon with my Dad while ali is napping.
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    tired tired


 so yeah.  I am falling, hard.
what this boy does to me I have no idea but what ever it is, I cant ever get enough.
He is the most wonderful person Ive ever met.
He makes me be so understanding with everything.
When I am having a mental meltdown I talk to him and in a matter of seconds my world is flipped back into place.
This past 6 months with him has been the happiest Ive ever been. Like ever.

alright. so its like been exactly one year since my brother passed away.
How its been one year already I have no freaking clue.
Its been such a roller coaster being sober.
acutally feeling emotions instead of drinking them down.
being able to help myself and most important others.

I wish sometimes I didnt feel like Im in another universe.
I feel like a completely different person.  
and for only a few moments I can feel like the 'old' ashley. but then im snapped back into the 'new' one.
Like I would feel like im a teenager without a care in the world.
Then I am a mommy making sure my day and everything else is in order.
I do try to hold on to those moments, they are getting few and far in between.

this whole angel issue has me spooked.
because all i think about is jason.  feeling like someone is watching me that im never alone.
I do not like that feeling.  or i am just a paranoid freak. hahaha who knows.

well i am going to sleep.
tomorrow should be pretty hard for me because everyone else.
everyone is so scared, trying to run and hide.
i cant.
i wont.
saturday i see my ann<3
sunday is aa picnic/softball game @ 1:30  st.johns church on wayne rd next to marshall jr high.
[if you want to have some fun with some sober people come and hang out and eat some yummy food with us!]
i am excitedddddd 

my legs hurt :[

my della is so cute.

good night moon.

i always read that book to ali when i put her to sleep hahaha
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    cold cold

(no subject)

 well, its bed time right now. eh way way way past bed time acutally.
so paramore was like amazing.  I had tons of fun!
The boyfriend has work in the am so I was just going to go straight home and it was still kinda early so I ran by the club to see if jessica was there, no.... so i went to the A frame with mike, jamie and julian.  
I really enjoy talking to julian [he is very catholic]  we always talk about spritual things and he seems so serious, i mean yeah its a serious subject for him and i but i like to make him laugh by asking like stupid questions in the middle of his sentences.  i do that quite a bit to some people, i dont mean to be mean or rude or anything. i do it to make fun.
I did not know fencing was in the olympics. hm. that is kind of strange.
back to my conversation with juilan, he told me that every one has a guardian angel and how he went in depth a bit it really touched me.  he also said that you need to spend some time alone with your guardian angel praying with them.  the first thought that came to my mind was uh, what kind of imagination does this guy have?  he recommended a website that has some info on it.  
"These devoted guardians -- to whom we should pray each day (asking their help in purifying here on earth) -- never cease to be concerned with the souls that God has committed to their charge.
Their great mission and desire is to see us home in Heaven. "

That really touched me.  
I am working on a name to name my guardian angel :] - it should be something that touches you though prayer and in latin.

anywaysssssss. i am going to sleep.
good nightt
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    sleepy sleepy

So here is my birthing experience like i promised.

My birthing experience.

So it was Monday [jan 28th 2008]  afternoon 12ish and Im getting ready to take a shower and go to my doctors appointment.  Right before I get in the shower my water breaks.  I hurry and take a really fast shower and pack up the rest of my stuff and head to the hospital with my parents.  By 2pm I was all in my room and then the real waiting began.  I was only at 1 and 20.  Which is like next to nothing.  They started giving me meds and I was just relaxing. HAHA.  around 4pm contractions really started, I couldnt feel them so I was like wow, this is going to be so easy.  boy was I wrong.  Around 6pm they were getting intense and I was really starting to feel them, they just felt like cramps so I was like yeah, this isnt going to be bad at all.  They broke the other bag of water and she started to get pretty upset [alainah]  so they had to 'make' water for her.  it was very unpleasant.  I was at 1 and 30. HAHA.  still....nothing.

by 12pm I was getting very aggervated because I wasnt really progressing and they started to check me like every hour and by 12am I was like 4 and 50.  I was talking to the nurses about drugs by then.  The contractions were very intense and I wasnt going to hold out much longer..  so by 2am I was screaming for some drugs and they gave me some... I was able to relax and really rest between contractions.  That lasted about an hour maybe 2.   I was asking for more drugs because they started to get very intense and I started to panic and I started pushing with the contrations and they started to scream at me because I would really mess up my insides if I continued.  haha. 

It was about 4am and I was 5 and 60, screaming my head off. Yelling at everyone.  The doctor came in and yelled at me and I felt really bad after that haha. that didnt last very long.  By 6am I was at 7 and 90.  I started really flipping out, pressing the nurse button every 2 mins. My contractions were so horrible I was screaming for drugs, screaming at my mom, screaming at the doctors, screaming at the nurses.  I couldnt take it anymore. I was screaming at the nurses 'If I cant get an epidural I swear Im going to kill all of you, I will be so fucking pissed off you will all be sorry' HAHAHAHAHA. [I dont remember saying any of that, or really screaming at anyone.] They said the epidural guy wasnt in so I had to wait for him. he FINALLY showed up at 7 and then I was alright.  At 7:30 I was at 10 and 100. FINALLY. and then the doctor that practices with my doctor came in to deliver.  She had this strange look on her face and I just knew something wasnt right.  I started to get really scared and she just looked so serious and I just knew something was going to go wrong.....  She said it was time to push so I pushed for an hour... when I was pushing I could see/feel her slide back up under my ribs and that hurt so bad.  :[  the cord was wrapped around her neck and it was pulling her back and when I was pushing her heart rate was dropping and the last time that i pushed she just got stuck. HAHA so they said that they have to do a c section.. I started crying because it was my biggest fear and I was so terrified of it.  the girl next door same thing happened but she had to get a c section right then so they rushed her up and stablized me and we waited for about 20 mins and then I went up to prepare for surgery :[  i was still crying and my mommy came with me and held my hand<3  it was 9:52 when I got on the table they pumped me more with an epidural because they turned it off when it was time to push [them bastards]  and i felt EVERYTHING, I felt them cut me and it felt like they were mashing up my insides like hamburger meat.  I didnt feel any pain but I felt everything.  so finally they get her head unstuck and when they said that they were going to pull her out i felt them really pulling with lots and lots of pressure and the most insane feeling is to feel someone pull a baby out of you. I was screaming mostly because I was scared and so overwhelmed I didnt know what to do but scream.  they were like calm down everything is okay. haha.  they pulled her out at 10:16.  it really took them that long to get her out.....  I kept asking if it was a girl and i heard her crying and about 20 seconds they finally told me it was haha.  they showed me her and her cone head HAHA.  poor girl, it was fine by the next morning :] she still has a big head though.  hahahahaha.  and I didnt get out of the er until 11:02.  I watched the clock.  I didnt understand how come it took so long until they told me they gave me about 70 stitches and they pumped me up with morphine :D  i was feeling pretty good and I was so tired so I slept for an hour when i was in recovery and they took me back to my room and everyone was waiting for me and then they FINALLY let me see her. it felt like forever because i didnt know if she was okay or not or how much she weighed or anything i just really really wanted to know that everything was okay.  and of course it was :D  that night i was up and doing laps around the labor and delivery area haha.  and i stayed in the hospital until thursday night. 

16 hours of labor. it was very scary and I refuse to do it again.

of course it was worth it.

Im still never going to do it again.


she is already 6 months and the cutest little thing. on my myspace i have tons of pictures of her.  my link is above.

anyways... lots of things have happened since she was born.
same nothing with her dad.  I dont expect that to change.  He like wants me to do all the paper work to make him the legal father... HAHA am I stupid?  nope sorry..  I cant do it, I cant.  He had his chances, I wont let her get hurt. If that means I have to do this all on my own to know she will be ok. then so be it.

Jeff, my boyfriend and I with his niece Ashley... we are going to see paramore today! I am wayyy excited!  I know this girl megan, she told me she wants to have a baby.. I kind of laughed at her and said ok, babysit mine and then tell me after if you still want a baby. so she is going to baby sit while im at this concert.  she lives around the block so if anything goes wrong my parents are right there.

one more cig and im going to sleep.
wow am i going to kick my ass for staying up so late.

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alright, so as I guess some of you may know, I am pregnant. LOL.  I was completely shocked myself since I didnt think I was able to even be pregnant.  So.. God decided that since I wasnt making the right choices he would show me, that was suspected, but not in any means like this. haha.
Alainah Jade should be here any day now :D I have everything ready I am just waiting for her to decide when she wants to come out.  Well I do know that its very very doubtful that I will ever be pregnant again, if you spent one day with me, you'd understand.  ;] I really dont like it and after I give birth, Iam going to post a very gory detailed story about what exactly happen at the hospital.  I know its not going to be any fun :[  But I can honestly say its all I am waiting for because I know that second she finally pops out my whole entire life will be completely different and I am ready for it.  I have had to make some pretty hard decisons and deal with a lot of emotional difficulties though this pregnancy that I dont wish upon anyone.  I cant be greatful enough to know that this pregnancy has had no complications nothing.  Everything has been perfect.  That scares me about labor. haha.  I cant be greatful enough to know I have everything I need in life right at this moment.  I also dont need any guy to define me which was really hard to accept. :/  All I need is God walking next to me, and him making sure Im Okay.  NOT anyone else.  He is the only one who will love me and accept me for who I am.  Ive figured out, I dont know a damn thing about relationships with other humans.  I cant really explain in detail but, I know that its not okay to make yourself suffer for the happiness of another.  You have to be on your own team before anyone elses.  

What I am having trouble with at the moment is accepting somethings.... I have accepted them, but they get to me sometimes and it just bugs me so badly.  I hate to see the people who I love most do the things that they know arent right but do them anyways.  I have talked to them about it and they just say one thing and do another.  Or even they will say somethings and have them not be true.  Or even say somethings and not mean them.  Or not even say anything at all.
Its easier for me to focus on other people at the moment because I am okay with everything on my side of the street, its hard to not walk across and try to pick up the garbage on the other side.  but hey, that is life.  I am doing fine, emotionally I am not a mess, well... yeah, I am about to have a baby LOL but everything else, how I am with God, how I am spritually.  I am as close as I can be for today.  I know whats right and whats wrong, if I cant make a decision I will ask for help.  sigh.
I really hope that by you being so caught up in you and your messes, you make the right decisions and I am going to do everything I can to make sure they dont affect us.  
there are so many things Ive been holding back, I dont want to say them because I dont want anything to upset you.  But its how I feel and its not for me, its for her.

I dont know. I am tired and Im done rambling, Im sure probably nothing makes any sense but gosh, I really dislike horrible people.